JENN in Sam’s Shadow 2

From part 1:

Jenn ran up and out of the record store in tears. Everything in me wanted to run after her as I’m sure Kefra did too, but no one would hear Jenn speak again.

The next time Kefra and I spoke was at the scene of the real crime in “The Dungeon” where we stocked music waiting for room to be made on the sales floor for more music. How many people are waiting for room to be made in our hearts for the music of kindness and care to sing forth from a place of compassion. Often that and genuine listening ear is all it takes to help someone along their journey to wholeness.

Sadly management of Sam The Record Man showed they really didn’t care about their employees as human beings.

Jenn didn’t have any family to contact, and Kefra was the only friend allowed to visit her in the hospital. Kefra’s tough exterior began to give way as she spoke of the trauma of seeing Jenn laying in the hospital bed, eyes rolling back in her head, foaming at the mouth and…

The head manager called a meeting of all the staff, but the assistant manager was absent, Jenn’s death was “unfortunate”. Management was in no way responsible. If anyone had anything to say about that no was the time. No one said a word. Standing up and speaking out for what was right here carried consequences. Jenn had proved this in standing up for Ernie being unjustly fired for the assistant managers lack of judgment and poor leadership.

The head manager went on to say Jenn was a troubled youth who wouldn’t have had a job in the first place if he hadn’t helped her out. She would have been better off not having received this kind of half-hearted charity.  I left the meeting, and gave my notice. Later I wrote the song “JENN”… < Listen to a raw acoustic working out of the song.

You left this world – left it much to soon

Miss your howlin’ – howlin at the moon

Words are a life rope or they form a noose

What the hell comes out – know there’s no excuse

A mindless word and a senseless death

Can a soul believe love after it’s last breath

When we fail to love – we fail to live           

Threads in the noose afraid to give

 

Though down you always had a smile for me

Asked me why I always seemed so happy

Shy – shy – I held hope in

Keeping quiet can be a sin

 

I vow never – never again

To turn my back on love – friend

If ever you’re in desperate need

Reach out – reach in – reach out don’t leave

 

I’m older and wiser now

Tipping over the religious cow

I fear not – fear not – fear not

These here chords & the truth is all I’ve got

© Word of Mouth Arts Network

#CanadaLovesYoga

On Saturday there was a Canada wide Yoga session, and a rebirth of my sharing creative expression on my experience with yoga. There is more to it than meets the eye that I became aware of during a journey in Africa back in 1991-92. Since then I have seen Yoga go viral throughout a spiritually seeking society.

Canada may love yoga but does it know yoga really? Here I will share in written poetic form followed by voicing soon and later sharing in song and a more detailed prose.

Poetic Expression…

(UNDER REVISION / CHECK BACK SOON)

Yoga Expression Series to be continued…

JENN in Sam’s Shadow

She always had a smile for me…

Mike took a spray can and wrote the first of many crude slogans on the walls of Sam The Record Man Vancouver’s unused third floor. It was soon to undergo renovations to be put into use. Mike encouraged a few other employees to join in, who did so enjoying being given permission to be mischievous. It didn’t seem like the right thing to enter into, even though Mike was the assistant manager. I quietly exited the scene and went back downstairs to man the sales floor.

Jenn with the dirty blonde mohawk was working the cash as she always did. I liked her cool punk rock style. She always had a smile for me even though I could see she was down about something. She asked me why I was always so happy? Maybe I was happy to see her and the fact that, when the managers were away she would play requests that weren’t on the pop Top 40 wall. That was breaking the rules but it broke the monotony of hearing the same songs all day and made working there more fun.

Funny thing was, I had my own struggles and wasn’t really happy but I guess Jenn saw something in me that looked like happy. Perhaps she saw the growing hope, joy and acceptance that deep down, I held on to for dear life. I was soon to learn that keeping quiet can sometimes be deadly.

The day after the spray bombing of the third floor, a surprise visit was made by a senior representative from Toronto. He came to inspect the third floor prior to expansion. After taking one look at the profane slogans on the walls he demanded that whoever was responsible be fired. Mike the manager responsible was put in charge of firing. All the blame was put on Ernie, the new guy, whom Mike had encouraged to deface the walls. Ernie was fired on the spot.

Sam’s Seymour Street Vancouver

When Jenn caught word of this injustice she began to circulate a petition for employees to sign that read, “If Ernie goes we all go!” Ernie was a likeable guy and was doing a good job and shouldn’t have taken all the blame for Mike’s mistake. I was about to sign the petition when having learned what was going on, Mike embarrassingly fired Jenn on the spot. We all watched her walk out the glass doors onto Seymour Street and we all begrudgingly went back to our minimum wage jobs.

The next day I was working in the dungeon with Kefra stocking music when Jenn came in crying, she was desperate to speak to a friend. Before she could get the words out Mike barged in yelling, “What are you doing here. You were fired!”

She tried to speak but he cut her off screaming the most pathetic, pseudo, psycho babble I’ve ever heard, “You’re just rebellious because you had a lousy relationship with your parents!” Everything in me wanted to speak up but for an equally pathetic fear of being fired… Jenn ran up and out of the record store in tears. Everything in me wanted to run after her as I’m sure Kefra did, but no one would hear Jenn speak again.

(To Be Continued Soon)

Jenn’s soul takes flight into shadow…

The Pastor of Depression and Disaster

Drugs can’t fix broken relationships.

“I will NEVER believe what you believe!” the pastor yelled pointing his finger in my wife’s face. We had been called into the pastor’s office to be rebuked for our “rebellion” in “usurping” his and the pastoral board’s “authority” in going against their counsel of a young man to go on meds for depression.

When I heard this young man had been suffering from depression and that the pastor of the church we had tried to be part of  had counseled him to go on a certain type of drug I cared enough to look into it further. I learned the name of the drug and read that after two weeks of being on it there was no turning back and you’d be locked in to a drugged life. Alarm bells went off and I called the young man…

I asked him to pray whether it was a so-called “chemical imbalance” that needed pharmaceuticals to correct or if it was an emotional and spiritual problem that counseling and deliverance prayer would answer .

The young man had put his trust in church leadership who certainly must hear from God right? The question is, which god were they hearing from? He was now confused with which way to go so I asked him to pray and take the path of peace in his spirit.

Church leadership called us in to speak  with us. As my wife firmly, but gently explained our point of view, the pastor with a normally guy smiley demeanor became agitated, his face distorted, he pointed his finger in my wife’s face and yelled,  “I will never believe what you believe!”

Sadly, another one bites the dust. We later learned it was the antidepressants speaking. The pastor of a church who preached about taking the city for God was on drugs for depression. His pastoral days, the church and his marriage would later end in disaster. When I recently asked him what happened that he would leave his wife and kids, all he would say was that it was “old news.” People from his church were scattered from the faith, some making equally unhealthy life choices.

My wife and I had already left the church prior to this meeting that revealed the pastor’s prideful, unteachable and demonized heart that drugs might perhaps “balance” but cannot deliver and heal. I am far from perfect and know that marriage and family are great challenges to maintain in a healthy way, especially when you didn’t come from healthy relationships and so on and so on.

What happened to the young man? He went elsewhere taking the path of peace. He found solid, prayer counsel and deliverance that helped bring healing, emotionally and spiritually.

May we all seek wisdom and find the courage and strength to make good choices based on love for all concerned, to find healing and restoration in our relationships and know there’s no drug for that.

History Never Repeats

“History never repeats, I tell myself before I go to sleep, to sleep to sleep!” as the song recorded by Split Enz goes. Truth is, history does repeat and we need to wake up or it will keep repeating, keep repeating, keep repeating like a broken record. Much of society is broken beginning with the church. She does a lot of good, but when she takes her cues from what is already broken in society around her, those who follow blindly may be hopelessly headed for a brick wall, or a freight train or a drug induced dive off a bridge.

Years ago, before David came of age, a straight living deacon from the same church was having some emotional struggles. He was put on antidepressants from which he then had an adverse drug reaction aka a “psychotic episode” and ended up jumping off the Lions Gate Bridge. This was related to me by someone whose brother was close friends with the deacon.

April 26^th 2013 would have been David’s 23 birthday; I dedicate this series in his memory; I hope and pray many will heed the warning signal and that even through David’s Last Days he will bring people together to seek truth and live beyond spiritual infancy. History need not repeat for you and your loved ones.

A neighbour we’ll call Tom who once went to the same church in question has slowly been going through doctor assisted withdrawal from pharmaceuticals. He almost lost his life after being put on one drug after another, also for emotional struggles. He went from earning a good salary for 20 years teaching architecture, having all the toys and joys good health, and good credit can buy having to selling and pawning everything to get by. He lost his health, his wife, and ended up delivering phone books. He is now on The Road Back (Link mentioned by neighbour).

Of several books Tom recommended to me, one was called an Anatomy of An Epidemic: ‘Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America’ by Robert Whitaker on p. 84 he puts forth from documented research that there is no proof of “chemical imbalance” in the brain. “However, once a person is put on a psychiatric medication… the brain begins to function…abnormally.”

There is much to learn in this area and if you or your loved ones are on or if you are ever counseled in the direction of psychiatric drugs, you owe it to yourself to make yourself aware. Leave it up to the so-called experts, and you and yours may end up a statistic under the fourth leading cause of death in America, “Adverse Drug Reaction”.

If you care about your physical health, you must care about your spiritual health too. Don’t leave it up to the so-called experts of your religious or spiritual community. It’s your spiritual health; feed yourself  and with some good support, help free yourself… physically and spiritually speaking.

Why does a church that believes in God so often seem to be as dysfunctional spiritually as much of the medical system has been health and nutrition wise and what can we do about it? Who cares enough to explore this with me, and/or on your own in the future?

Hope to high-five you on the other side David 1990-2013 R.I.P.

I awoke today with the train’s Warning Signal blasting louder than ever before and with one triple blast after another. I thought I could hear the sound of metal on metal as the breaks were applied, perhaps it was only in my mind. David, this is not the end of your story, nor this series. There is more to come, including the story of The Pastor of Depression and Disaster.

Stand Up and Speak Out!

Though I only knew David as an acquaintance in church related activities, his death hit me like I’d lost my own brother.

After two years attending the same church as David, a pastor called my wife and I in for a meeting; I guess he was given the job to tell us that we were not allowed to be part of church small groups anymore unless we agreed “not to talk”. Yes he actually said those words. We were told that our raising questions and sharing our views upset some people.

He then said the people “are on milk,” meaning they were spiritual infants not yet capable of ingesting and digesting more solid substantial truths and living by them. People who are seeking to live in and live out the love of God deserve more than milk. We had no choice but to leave where we and our hunger and thirst for truth in love was not welcome.

Flash forward to the “Celebration of Life” memorial service; I could not bring myself to sing, “All Is Well With My Soul” as that would be a lie. After the singing was over and tears were wiped away, friends spoke of time spent with David. A father of a friend mentioned how for  years David and his “band of brothers” had engaged in extended “kill or be killed” battles that included all nighters in his home, playing the hardcore, violent video game Halo.

I wonder if anyone else see’s this as a potential red flag?

When something went terribly wrong in David’s head, were echoes of this alternate violent virtual world playing on his mind? We have been told that he went to the police, asking for help, saying someone was trying to kill him.

And then some deeper, darker history came to light. When David was a little boy his Dad committed suicide. A woman leaving the church service shared with me what was not mentioned in the service; there was a spiritual issue that had needed to be dealt with. Could the same forces that drove his Dad to suicide have bullied David over the edge of reason?

Next, in regards to toxic pharmaceutical drugs and the mind, one of David’s pastors told me right there in the sanctuary that she understood what he had gone through. As a teen she was prescribed medication for acne. The drugs caused her to have a psychotic episode and she was then admitted to a psych ward where they put her on more medication.  I then shared my concern about what affects the drugs had on David taking his life and she replied, the “cocktail” of drugs “they put you on” can be deadly.

On February 15^th over forty days since David was first admitted to hospital, the police would make another call stating that after escaping the hospital at night, David had committed suicide. A disoriented young man, driven under the influence of pharmaceutical drugs, made his way a few miles downhill, and perhaps the last thing he would have heard was a train’s warning signal. The drugs and noise in his head drowning out a gentle voice of reason saying, “Live.” Can you hear it?

Though it is too late for David, I must talk’ I will Stand Up and Speak Out! Who out there has some answers? Please share them.

On September 27, 2012 about four and half months before he would leave this world, David posted this as his online status asking others to share it. If you dare to care, please share it in memory of him along with links to the post in this series.

What was David saying about himself here?

Just as I finished what was to be part three and closing of this *Warning Signal* series I was given important new information, which means ‘History Never Repeats’  will be the fourth segment coming up next.

David’s Last Days

As the Warning Signal grows louder, David’s story of suicide by medicated despair and other stories will continue to be made known. Did David die in vain? Or will we courageously face the pain and bring into the light what had been kept quiet over shame around “mental illness” …so that we may learn from this tragedy?

Here’s what I know of David’s Last Days. On New Years Eve 2013, this bright young man went to a party. Afterwards he broke up three fights during a three-hour journey home by public transit. He experienced a psychotic episode the next day. Why?

Did David take a blow to the head when he was breaking up a fight? Did he drink alcohol or have anything else knowingly or unknowingly at the party? Was he on or going through withdrawal from any kind of medication or substance? If you have answers to any of the questions posed, please contact me.

Various medical sources show many factors can lead to an unstable condition triggering a psychotic episode or mental delusion. These include a blow to the head, as well as alcohol and drugs of various kinds, including withdrawal from drugs up to a month later. There are other health and dietary deficiency that can factor in also.

We do know on January 2^nd police called David’s pastor and friend stating that David had come to them fearful that someone was trying to kill him. The pastor met with them and agreed with David being admitted to the psyche ward at the hospital.

The Greek word “pharmakia” literally means “drugs”. In the Bible this word is translated into “witchcraft” or “sorceries”. I mention this to highlight that all drugs, including the powerful pharmaceutical drugs that David was put on at he hospital, are known to weaken people’s defenses, and cloud their minds, thereby opening them up to influence by occult forces, and render them unable to defend themselves.

How can the usage of powerful pharmaceutical drugs, which themselves often alter the mind help people deal with the root of a psychotic problem? Or as the doctors said, was David’s death truly caused by a sudden, incurable “cancer of the brain”? Was there really nothing else anyone could do?

I do not believe these were meant to be David’s Last Days, medicated and confined to the psyche ward of an atheistic, drug based system that largely does not recognize the spiritual realm nor champion dietary prevention and remedies. Some common sense, holistic, and spiritual and natural solutions could have been found at the start by simply asking the right questions, and by doing a little soul searching and research, instead of blind faith in the psychiatric system which, although well meaning, often does more harm than good.

My heart especially goes out to David’s family and to the pastor who first received the call from the police. I trust all involved responded to the situation in the best way they knew how.

Later this week look for the concluding Warning Signal series segment, *Speak Up and Ask*.

*Warning Signal*

Most mornings since learning of the tragic loss of a bright young man from our community, I have been awakened by the sound of a train’s warning signal. I am painfully reminded of approaching danger, of a needless loss of life of not just one person but many precious people on a daily basis.

“David had a way of bringing people together.”

The eulogizing Pastor’s opening words brought little comfort to a church at overflow capacity on a Monday afternoon. We were family, friends and acquaintances who had come to mourn the meaningless, seemingly sudden death of a twenty-two year old. As far as most knew, David had everything going for him and then he was gone.

My experience of him was that he was always the servant; always the gentleman, and good with people of all ages. When you were in his presence you were made to feel important and worthy of his time and care. So why and how did this bright, healthy young man appear fine on New Year’s and then become a psych ward patient the next day?

At the memorial service, the same pastor who had David admitted, sided with the doctors who said, “it was a cancer of the brain” and “nothing could have been done” to save David. These words did not ring true. Tears streamed down my face as the pastor called for those who could be strong for others to sing the words, “All Is Well With My Soul”. I could not sing because all is not well with my soul! Since then I have been struggling with speaking up and sharing my thoughts in writing or not. Confirmation came in a deeply troubling way when I learned that Mathew Warren, Pastor Rick and Kay Warren’s son had just committed suicide last Friday after struggling with depression and having been on medication.

It would be much easier to keep these thoughts to myself as some may wish I had.  However staying quiet would only be doing you and your loved ones a grave disservice. My ability to speak the truth and truly act in love would die inside. And so, with deep sorrow, caution and care, in my next post I will share more of this story of suicide by medicated despair. My hope is for truth to come to light, and for what is uncovered to be heard as a warning signal that many will heed and find their way to help themselves and others get to a place of soundness of mind and life.

John Stuart is a journalist member of the Canadian Association of Journalists and a multidisciplinary artist. Among other places you can find, friend, like and follow him @JohnStuartistry and facebook.com/JohnStuartistry